I learned something new last night.
Women/Wives need LOVE to give respect.
Men/Husbands need RESPECT to give love.
These are two simple sentences but the impact is huge. I never thought of it that way. But then listening to the video of a certain doctor pastor, well - it hit close to home. And I agree, as a woman/wife - I need LOVE to give respect. Whenever I don't feel loved or appreciated, I respond or react in a way that I disrespect. It makes sense when you think about it. Men, when they don't feel respected are unable to show the feeling of love to their spouses.
I am thankful that I have a friend who made sure that I attended her D-group session. To be honest, I wanted to go, but half of me was feeling otherwise. Maybe because I don't have a partner with me to share the insights? But then, I still chose to go. I drove myself to my friend's house - and I think that simple act (of driving) made me realize that I really wanted to go. Otherwise, I would have made up an excuse not to go. I'm glad that I went because I learned a lot.
Men and women are different. I realized this long ago when I read the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. I understood that men are wired differently and women respond differently too. So I absorbed the learning and I think it helped me in my relationship with my Panget. There were rough patches, but I think what helped me was that I wasn't controlling or the jealous type, nor was I over protective of him. We gave one another space and that set up worked to our advantage.
But when we got married - it was so different. We saw each other 24/7. It was weird at first since I was used to the set up of seeing him during the weekends only. But what was I to do, this is what marriage was all about - seeing and being with each other 24/7. Truth be told, we've just had a handful of fights. Yes, we argue, we disagree, I get irritated with him and he with me - but it never went as big like a shouting match. I've kept my cool with crying (as I always do) I've kept quiet. I've swallowed my pride and agreed to things I don't normally agree on. I've made compromises and sacrifices, but there are times that I question myself - is it all worth it? And I honestly hate feeling like that - questioning myself. But it happens. And when it happens - I just close my eyes, breathe and try my very best to have faith (that it's all worth it) It's so hard - but I need to do it, or else - if I lose hope, it will just go downhill from there. I need to be positive. I need to.
Of course, I'm speaking for myself - I have no clue on what Panget feels as you know, men don't like discussing their feelings. They feel less *macho* when they talk about their feelings. But what I've realized with these sessions is that - not all men shy away from saying that they feel. And I have to be honest - I am so envious of the wives whose husbands tell them or communicate to them what they feel. Why? Because it makes relationships a LOT easier! I have learned from the #BetterMe sessions how words are powerful and how communication is really important and so it's really hard to communicate with someone who listens but doesn't respond. It's really frustrating. But then if he's built that way - then I have to adjust.
I remember my MIL telling me to *love & accept* my Panget for who he is. And I am proud to say that from Day 1 - I have never tried to change him. Why should I? There are things that I want him to change, but no amount of convincing, pep talking or bribing would work. So why even bother? So when my MIL told me to convince my Panget to attend a D-group, I felt so bothered. It was as if the burden of him going was solely based on me now, since I am the wife. As I have said - I've respected his decision not to go - so why should I try and convince him more? Trying to convince him more would mean that he would be irritated and say that I'm nagging him. I in turn would feel unloved when he decides not to attend. The cycle is vicious and the consequences of this *trying to convince* thing is disastrous. So I left things at that - I just prayed that someday, he will want to attend. As I've always believed things will eventually fall into place - *in God's own time*. But then my MIL would tell me that I wasn't doing anything, that my efforts were not enough, it's hard - it's painful. Instead of encouraging and telling me that *he will eventually come around* I felt that she was saying indirectly *hindi ka magaling mag-convince* and then she'd compare the situation to another person. It's really hurtful. It seems that the blame goes to me, it's short of saying if things go sideways - then I am the only one to blame, because I did not convince enough. I know she means well, but I guess the delivery needs to be improved. Her heart is in the right place, but the communication - the words, the delivery was a bit - you know, amiss.
Those who know me, know that I am a very practical person. So I (personally) believe that when one is unhappy - everything is affected thus, you won't be able to function well. And if there are people around you who are drawing from your energy, leadership and guidance - well they'll be very much affected - they'll be unhappy. I will say - change, leave, do something that makes you happy, shift your focus just to make yourself happy. Because when you are happy - there is a chain reaction. Everything will be better, you will see things differently, everything seems bright and happy. A perfect example would be - when we're happy, sad love songs don't hold much meaning. But when we're heartbroken or hurting - the words of a sad love song cuts through bones and stabs us in the heart. So I try and be happy, looking at the positive when things aren't cheery and happy. I always tell myself *God has his reasons* for everything.
Going back - each of us has needs. But the question is - how do we fill in that need and nourish it? Everyday is a test - of how we will react to certain situations. But I'm glad to have been enlightened to LOVE and RESPECT. I now know better, now I understand better. But still - communication is important. It's like driving blind, you rely on good communication to get you through without hitting bumps on the road.
Thanks K for inviting me to attend. I appreciate it very much.