Emotional Rollercoaster

I think I am going through one.

Photo grabbed from this site - Takabisha

First, I'd like to cry.  But no matter how I try, the tears just don't want to come out.  My friend M suggested that I watch a tearjerker - I would like to watch, but right now - I don't feel like it.  When I read comments and well wishes of friends, I get teary eyed - but that's about it.

I think I need to cry.  I know I need to cry.  Crying is my form of release and I feel that when I cry - it somehow helps with the closure.  I'm very emotional and so crying is quite easy for me, but this time - I find it really hard.  I need help to cry.

WARNING:  Another *emo* post ahead





Right now - I'm okay.  There are days that I'm not - I feel restless, sluggish - I just want to close my eyes and sleep and sleep.  But life has to go on.  The world won't stop and grieve for me.  Am I grieving?  Well, I'd like to - but then I'm torn.  Should I even grieve?  Am I even allowed to grieve?  I'm sure there will be people who'd say that I'm being OA.  There wasn't a heartbeat yet - but then, I don't know - my body was telling me otherwise.  I know I wasn't prepared - but there were thoughts in my head already of what to look forward to and what I dreaded.  My head is actually filled with what ifs right now.  I can't help but think about them.  I want to stop but these thoughts creep back in.  I'm confused - so confused.

I don't know what to feel.  Should I even be feeling something?  I don't know.  Sooo confused.  Is there even a right and wrong?  Am I being too OA?  Gosh, so many thoughts in my head.

I'm sure there are those that will say - why write about such a private matter.  Well, I find it comforting to write about it.  I can't seem to verbalize vocally what I feel and I don't want to announce to every friend that I am going through this because unlike news of pregnancy - well, this isn't a very good one.  I write this because its my way to dealing with the situation.  It may be an announcement of sort, but I feel that in this platform - I can, I don't know - I feel better as I type down the words rather than make an announcement to friends because let's be honest - it's NOT the best of news, right?  I'm a very talkative person but somehow - I can't verbalize my feelings on what happened to friends.  I am suddenly silenced.  And I hate being silent.  I don't know what to say or how to say it.  It's not easy to blurt out *Hey, this happened!*

I apologize if my posts seem to be extremes - a series of happy posts and then an emotional post.  I need to get my emotions out and this is the only way right now that I feel most comfortable with.  Writing about my experience helped me a lot.  I felt better after writing it.  I am not begging for sympathy when I wrote that entry - but I welcome the love and support that I received.  To be honest, I never expected to get comments as the subject is very sensitive, so when I saw them - I was instantly comforted, my heart swelled to unknown proportions, and I appreciated every thought, well wishes and the virtual hugs that I got.  I never expected to receive this amount of love and support from this platform.  I needed it, I needed them.  I think maybe one of the reasons why I am still in this state is that - one group in my life (they were told of what happened)  - I was expecting more *support* but I never got any.  It was as if nothing happened.  It's quite sad really but then again, when I thought about it - it will be very out of character if they acted concerned for me.  This brings me to this post I made on IG:

This hit the spot.  Because if this happened to them, I would immediately give my support.  But then again I realize, not everyone is like me.  So I MUST accept the fact that I can't expect them to empathize with something that they haven't and will not go through.  So now I tell myself to toughen up because I can't expect those around me to sympathize.

But I can't bring myself to be tough right now.  I'm physically okay - but anytime, I feel like I can break down and cry.  I'm a ticking time bomb and I can't even predict when it happens.  That's how confused I am.  I seem to like being hugged now more than ever.  I hug my kids more often how, I hug my pillow.  I ask hugs from my Panget but there's still something missing.  I can't seem to *hug out* the feeling.

You know what's odd?  There are two things that keep me sane - Master Chef and reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.  Strange combination right?  I can't explain why - but I feel comforted when I watch episodes of Master Chef and read chapters of the controversial book.  My Panget even gave in to the request of getting me a copy of the Fifty Shades movie with the alternate ending.  When I feel a sadness creeping in - I turn on the TV and watch Master Chef.  If I'm not in the mood to watch - I get any of the three books and start reading.  So thank you to - Joe Bastianich, Graham Elliot, Gordon Ramsey, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.

So I say - SMILE - smile to that stranger.  It may be the only smile they see all day.

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I can't thank you guys enough for the love and support.  They mean so much to me.

I am apologizing in advance for the sudden emotional outbursts that will happen in this blog.  I am trying to get back to the grind slowly.  Please include me in your prayers.  Thank you again.

Thank you soooo much.

Love, Didi