First, I'd like to cry. But no matter how I try, the tears just don't want to come out. My friend M suggested that I watch a tearjerker - I would like to watch, but right now - I don't feel like it. When I read comments and well wishes of friends, I get teary eyed - but that's about it.
WARNING: Another *emo* post ahead
Right now - I'm okay. There are days that I'm not - I feel restless, sluggish - I just want to close my eyes and sleep and sleep. But life has to go on. The world won't stop and grieve for me. Am I grieving? Well, I'd like to - but then I'm torn. Should I even grieve? Am I even allowed to grieve? I'm sure there will be people who'd say that I'm being OA. There wasn't a heartbeat yet - but then, I don't know - my body was telling me otherwise. I know I wasn't prepared - but there were thoughts in my head already of what to look forward to and what I dreaded. My head is actually filled with what ifs right now. I can't help but think about them. I want to stop but these thoughts creep back in. I'm confused - so confused.
I don't know what to feel. Should I even be feeling something? I don't know. Sooo confused. Is there even a right and wrong? Am I being too OA? Gosh, so many thoughts in my head.
I'm sure there are those that will say - why write about such a private matter. Well, I find it comforting to write about it. I can't seem to verbalize vocally what I feel and I don't want to announce to every friend that I am going through this because unlike news of pregnancy - well, this isn't a very good one. I write this because its my way to dealing with the situation. It may be an announcement of sort, but I feel that in this platform - I can, I don't know - I feel better as I type down the words rather than make an announcement to friends because let's be honest - it's NOT the best of news, right? I'm a very talkative person but somehow - I can't verbalize my feelings on what happened to friends. I am suddenly silenced. And I hate being silent. I don't know what to say or how to say it. It's not easy to blurt out *Hey, this happened!*
I apologize if my posts seem to be extremes - a series of happy posts and then an emotional post. I need to get my emotions out and this is the only way right now that I feel most comfortable with. Writing about my experience helped me a lot. I felt better after writing it. I am not begging for sympathy when I wrote that entry - but I welcome the love and support that I received. To be honest, I never expected to get comments as the subject is very sensitive, so when I saw them - I was instantly comforted, my heart swelled to unknown proportions, and I appreciated every thought, well wishes and the virtual hugs that I got. I never expected to receive this amount of love and support from this platform. I needed it, I needed them. I think maybe one of the reasons why I am still in this state is that - one group in my life (they were told of what happened) - I was expecting more *support* but I never got any. It was as if nothing happened. It's quite sad really but then again, when I thought about it - it will be very out of character if they acted concerned for me. This brings me to this post I made on IG:
This hit the spot. Because if this happened to them, I would immediately give my support. But then again I realize, not everyone is like me. So I MUST accept the fact that I can't expect them to empathize with something that they haven't and will not go through. So now I tell myself to toughen up because I can't expect those around me to sympathize.
But I can't bring myself to be tough right now. I'm physically okay - but anytime, I feel like I can break down and cry. I'm a ticking time bomb and I can't even predict when it happens. That's how confused I am. I seem to like being hugged now more than ever. I hug my kids more often how, I hug my pillow. I ask hugs from my Panget but there's still something missing. I can't seem to *hug out* the feeling.
You know what's odd? There are two things that keep me sane - Master Chef and reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. Strange combination right? I can't explain why - but I feel comforted when I watch episodes of Master Chef and read chapters of the controversial book. My Panget even gave in to the request of getting me a copy of the Fifty Shades movie with the alternate ending. When I feel a sadness creeping in - I turn on the TV and watch Master Chef. If I'm not in the mood to watch - I get any of the three books and start reading. So thank you to - Joe Bastianich, Graham Elliot, Gordon Ramsey, Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.
I can't thank you guys enough for the love and support. They mean so much to me.
I am apologizing in advance for the sudden emotional outbursts that will happen in this blog. I am trying to get back to the grind slowly. Please include me in your prayers. Thank you again.
Thank you soooo much.