Reconnecting...

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Warning - EMO post ahead!!!

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My childhood was filled with lots of playing around and sleepovers at my ama's house.  I enjoyed the company of my cousins.  I had a *best* cousin - and I loved her very much.  But as we grew older - things drew us apart.  I remember in HS she wouldn't be as friendly to me - it was only years after that I learned that the reason behind it was that I took her for granted one time.  She mentioned to me that I left her alone by herself when we went skating with my friends and that hurt her.  I wasn't aware that I did that, I couldn't remember anymore - but I told her I was sorry.

So we were a bit okay for the next couple of years.  We would gladly bump into one another during gimmiks (in college).  It was a nice time.  Our parents' relationship I guess drew her apart from me.  I couldn't blame her.  I mean that's her family - and she will feel the havoc of anger when she disobeys.  We grew farther apart.  And that was that.

Sad.  But that's life.  I felt that I've done my share of reconnecting.  And for the time that I tried - I was ignored.  It felt bad yes, but I couldn't do anything.  So I left it at that.  Now when we see each other, she would just look away or when I call her out, she's be forced to say hello.  Time has made me numb.  I still pray that one day - things will get better.  In God's own time.  

Yesterday - I received a message from another cousin.  This is a younger cousin of mine that I loved very much.  He used to be my *little boy* as I would take care of him.  He would come to our house ang play with us.  I remember he was very good in PlayStation games.  We were 11 years apart.  He was my little boy - I took care of him when he slept over, bathed him and played with him.  He was literal little brother.  And I enjoyed doting over him - he was very cute, charming and smart.  But as I grew older, I guess - we drifted apart.  I had a boyfriend and he grew out of playing with me.  Of course it was kind of awkward at a certain point for him - but for me, he will forever be that little boy who's company I enjoyed immensely.

So yesterday, I get a text from him.  And I was so surprised.  Happy and glad kind of surprised.  I have always wanted to reconnect with him but I was sure that he would find it awkward.  But I was glad that he did because we exchanged messages - and through his messages, I came to know that he has matured through the years.  Writing about this bring tears to my eyes because I knew he had it tough.  His dad is short tempered and having a dad like that isn't easy.  His mom has also told us stories - and we were powerless - we just said *Kawawa naman si J*  But through our message exchange - his replies have made me realize that he's come out of everything - stronger, level headed, more mature and with a greater understanding of why things are the way they are.  I was crying at one point why - because I was so proud of what he has become.  He didn't have it easy.  It's tough being a Filipino-Chinese.  Most would say we have it easy - we don't!  We have a lot on our shoulders.  We need to succeed in a certain level - we have to maintain or do better.  Mediocrity is not acceptable - there is so much that is sitting on our shoulders.  Expectations are high, we are most often than not referred to as *The son/daughter of whoever* worse is *The grandson/grandaughter of whoever*  And we NEED to live up to that name.  Anything below it bring shame.  So imagine the heaviness.

I'm glad that he sent me a message.  I appreciate the gesture very much.  I would like to maintain our relationship.  I'd like to keep that alive.  His parents and I are on very good terms.  We text each other and bump into one another with smiles and hugs.  It's different with them.

As for the rest of the family.  I can only hope for better things.  I've always prayed for them and I will not stop praying for them.  Even if they hurt me bad emotionally.  I am still coping, moving on.  As sad as it is - the hurt has made me feel numb and indifferent.  I've forgiven them (for sure when they read this they will say *we should be the ones to ask forgiveness*) but i don't expect them to forgive us too (even if we have NO IDEA what it is that we did).

I've written about this sad realization two Christmases ago, when Jane asked me to write for her.  It hurt, yeah - but I have to accept it.  I wish things were better - don't we all?  But time will tell.  As I have mentioned before..

In God's own time.

15 comments :

  1. This merits a separate post..."We are most often than not referred to as *The son/daughter of whoever* worse is *The grandson/grandaughter of whoever* And we NEED to live up to that name. Anything below it bring shame."

    For me it's different...the older I get the less I want to reconnect. In fact, I seem to have been editing my friends. I worry I will soon become a hermit.

    I love flash back childhood posts!

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    1. L! Ibang story ang friends! Hahaha.. Actually, it's with heavy heart that I've let go of some friends. I understand you totally, I have edited and edited my friends list. Now, it's just a handful. Kahit na handful, I appreciate kasi these are the real ones that I can rely on and trust. I have felt the betrayal and nabastos.. Grabe. So I realized , take them out of my life. Wala naman silang naidudulot na mabuti eh..

      I miss having cousins to chat with.. this *best cousin* now has a kid yet wala.. Oh well, I better accept the fact na... In God's own time na talaga..

      Love, Didi

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    2. I'm very close to my cousins but sadly they are all in iloilo. I went to school in Iloilo, so my friends are there too...or abroad as OFWs.

      But, totally with you on appreciating real friends. Even if you have 1-2 lang but they are there when you need help, that is more than enough.

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  2. You know, I can almost completely relate to this post. The only difference is that I never grew close to any relative outside of my nuclear family because we've been sort of "ostracized" growing up, and I never understood why. We're the only ones living in Davao; the rest of them are mostly in Cebu. Today, though, we've been getting together with them despite the distance. I believe your reconciliation will come, too, like what you said, in God's perfect time. :)

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  3. "We are most often than not referred to as *The son/daughter of whoever* worse is *The grandson/grandaughter of whoever* And we NEED to live up to that name. Anything below it bring shame."

    Huhuhuhu this. Haha! Sorry, can relate e. :| But like what everyone said, in God's perfect time nga. Kahit saang bagay naman e. :)

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  4. In God's time. I had a lot of fair share of my family's horrible stories too. We drifted apart due to each other's pride and whatever that is. But in time we were reconnected in the worst possible way. Someone has to get terribly ill before most of us can grow close again. Sad but yeah. Kainis diba?

    And yes, sometimes editing people in your life can bring joy since you get to keep the good ones and shoo the bad vibes away.

    Cheer up. Things will get better, in time.

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  5. I hope you're feeling better. Sometimes, writing it will help us feel a bit better. I agree, "in God's own special time", it will be OK. As for me, wala akong kaedad talaga na pinsan so back when I was young, I was either the youngest at laging nauutusan ng mga mas nakakatandang pinsan or the awkwardly oldest ate when I mingle with the little ones. I felt alone at some point but when I went to HS, I had my own group of friends and felt really good.

    Sa ngayon, I have a few close cousins older than me but I don't meet all of them that often, at least once a year lang kami nagkakakitaan pag umuuwi kami ng Tagum. Pero we were OK. Thanks for this post, nakakatuwang magreminisce ng past. Things are so much different now.

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  6. For me I've started eliminating bad people or those who gives me hurt aches. Kahit minsan sa family m o may mabibigay na sama ng loob pero I need to move on. In God's perfect time and emotional healing He will give it to you. May you always find peace and happiness Didi. :)

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  7. In God's time, Didi. Let's go out and chika! Heehee!

    I also have cousins that I am not as close too. Maybe I didn't make the extra effort but we all connect thru social media. And I really get sentimental kasi they're big na, mature and have girlfriends/boyfriends na.

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  8. At least you have a happy ending. Supe nice that you and your cousin are now contacting each other.

    xoxo
    MrsMartinez

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  9. I agree that in God's own time, everything will fall into place.

    Hope you feel much better now.

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  10. I used to be close to my cousins when we were younger. Just like you, we started to drift apart as we grow older. Even if we have reunions during Christmas, it's not the same anymore. Parang there is a barrier na hindi mo maintindihan.

    Indeed, everything will fall into place in God's own time :)

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  11. In God's time, everything will be fine.. Just keep praying for them.

    Anyway, my cousins were still close as the moment. We somehow maintained what we were back then although we seldom see each other. I miss our slumber party, eating in one plate and endlessly teasing each other.

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  12. Hay, can so relate! I have a relative-friend like that too. Apparently may mga underlying issues na hindi ko naman alam that she's holding against me. The way I see it, if it was a big deal to her and it was affecting her relationship with me, she should have just told me. I don't know. Easier said than done right? Anyway, we've reconnected after half a year or more of not talking because of another issue of hers. But I feel like the relationship is already tainted because it wasn't handled maturely. You know what I mean?

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  13. Family will always be family. Everything will be better in due time, Didi. :)

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