Warning - EMO post ahead!!!
So we were a bit okay for the next couple of years. We would gladly bump into one another during gimmiks (in college). It was a nice time. Our parents' relationship I guess drew her apart from me. I couldn't blame her. I mean that's her family - and she will feel the havoc of anger when she disobeys. We grew farther apart. And that was that.
Sad. But that's life. I felt that I've done my share of reconnecting. And for the time that I tried - I was ignored. It felt bad yes, but I couldn't do anything. So I left it at that. Now when we see each other, she would just look away or when I call her out, she's be forced to say hello. Time has made me numb. I still pray that one day - things will get better. In God's own time.
Yesterday - I received a message from another cousin. This is a younger cousin of mine that I loved very much. He used to be my *little boy* as I would take care of him. He would come to our house ang play with us. I remember he was very good in PlayStation games. We were 11 years apart. He was my little boy - I took care of him when he slept over, bathed him and played with him. He was literal little brother. And I enjoyed doting over him - he was very cute, charming and smart. But as I grew older, I guess - we drifted apart. I had a boyfriend and he grew out of playing with me. Of course it was kind of awkward at a certain point for him - but for me, he will forever be that little boy who's company I enjoyed immensely.
So yesterday, I get a text from him. And I was so surprised. Happy and glad kind of surprised. I have always wanted to reconnect with him but I was sure that he would find it awkward. But I was glad that he did because we exchanged messages - and through his messages, I came to know that he has matured through the years. Writing about this bring tears to my eyes because I knew he had it tough. His dad is short tempered and having a dad like that isn't easy. His mom has also told us stories - and we were powerless - we just said *Kawawa naman si J* But through our message exchange - his replies have made me realize that he's come out of everything - stronger, level headed, more mature and with a greater understanding of why things are the way they are. I was crying at one point why - because I was so proud of what he has become. He didn't have it easy. It's tough being a Filipino-Chinese. Most would say we have it easy - we don't! We have a lot on our shoulders. We need to succeed in a certain level - we have to maintain or do better. Mediocrity is not acceptable - there is so much that is sitting on our shoulders. Expectations are high, we are most often than not referred to as *The son/daughter of whoever* worse is *The grandson/grandaughter of whoever* And we NEED to live up to that name. Anything below it bring shame. So imagine the heaviness.
I'm glad that he sent me a message. I appreciate the gesture very much. I would like to maintain our relationship. I'd like to keep that alive. His parents and I are on very good terms. We text each other and bump into one another with smiles and hugs. It's different with them.
As for the rest of the family. I can only hope for better things. I've always prayed for them and I will not stop praying for them. Even if they hurt me bad emotionally. I am still coping, moving on. As sad as it is - the hurt has made me feel numb and indifferent. I've forgiven them (for sure when they read this they will say *we should be the ones to ask forgiveness*) but i don't expect them to forgive us too (even if we have NO IDEA what it is that we did).
I've written about this sad realization two Christmases ago, when Jane asked me to write for her. It hurt, yeah - but I have to accept it. I wish things were better - don't we all? But time will tell. As I have mentioned before..
In God's own time.