On friendships, online and offline..

I used to secretly laugh at people who chat endlessly during my younger years.  I have to admit, I never had the chance to chat (we didn't have internet then)- thus, in school certain groups would talk about their chats and being in a chat room the night before and being kicked out by the mods - I secretly laughed at them and think - don't they have a life?  It was that time that the IRC chatrooms boomed, internet was still dial-up, ICQ was a big hit and well, friends were all hidden under a *nick*

This is what an IRC chatroom looked like..

I guess I wasn't interested.

Fast forward to now.

I write.  I blog.  

And in this blog, I have shared my thoughts on whatever things.  I have written about my Panget, my feelings, my kids, my addiction to ballpens, my sorrows, my thoughts on things.  I have shared part of who I am in this blog.  I've read my fair share of blogs too!  I have stalked blogs and secretly loved their entries.  It's nice though that some blogs that I followed - I've developed a friendship with them.  ONLINE.  Yes, what once was a laughable *pitiful* thing (for me) is now - my reality.

Can one be friends without any physical contact?  If you asked me then, I would have laughed in your face.  But when you ask me now - it is POSSIBLE, very possible.

Honest truth - I have found a support group with my online friends.  I guess first and foremost - there is NO JUDGEMENT.  I may have found certain soulmates - TV show soulmates, same level of evil-ness soulmates, ballpen soulmates, mommyhood soulmates, food soulmates and just online friends.  I am glad to know that some of these online friendships have turned into real *physical* friendships.  What once was just chatting mates - are now friendships that have turned real.  We'd have lunch, we'd go for coffee, our kids are playmates, endless conversation of everything under the sun.

I have found true friends online.

Crazy.  Nope - REAL.

For instance - I've recently come across this blog.  And while reading her entries, it seems like I've been reading what I have been writing.  Strange!  But seriously, I am in disbelief that we are so alike in many ways.  Stalker ba?  Hahaha!!

I think the reason why I talk so much and ask so many questions is that I am searching for a person similar to me.  One that I'd have similar likes with.  Creepy ba?  Sorry, but in all seriousness - I think I've wondered *Is there another person in the world like me?*  I mean not completely, but you know - a bit similar?

Example:  I am a HUGE huge fan of the show Friends.  And I associate it in real life.  Yes, I am that weird.  Whenever I see something and it reminds me of certain scenes/episode - I immediately tell my Panget.  To which he will give me a strange look and say *You watch waaaaay too much Friends*.  But with this online friend Mindy - she gets me.  Instantly.  And I love that about us.  I will constantly forever credit her as one of my first online friends that I have become real friends with.  I wish we lived nearer to one another.  I'm sure that when David Crane, Martha Kauffman and Kevin Bright will see us in action (together with Sheila, Ate Gita, Roche, and KV) they'd be so impressed by our knowledge of the show.  Hahaha!! Kidding aside.  I felt really connected to Mindy - I can't explain why - but I do.  (I don't know if she feels connected to me, hahaha! Nag-fifeeling lang ako) but our friendship proved me so wrong.  Now I understand why people *feel* connected even just with chatting.  

I am a late bloomer.  

My friends knew of this in high school they foresaw the boom of this *medium* - while I just realized it and is speaking (of its truth) of it just now.  Late bloomer.  Always been a late bloomer.

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I've had my share of lasting friendships and betrayal online and offline.

Let's talk about the Offline friends first.

I've known them for a long time.  Real friends.  These friends I would meet and share a meal with.  But they've somehow drifted apart.  Well yeah, we'd see each other once in a while - but it never is the same.  I hate to admit it, but I feel that it's all for show.  To show that we're still friends, even if the essence of friendship is not present anymore.  I've only recently learned to let go.  I have been feeling hurt for a while now, and I have been justifying their actions to *they do not know what they are doing*.  But I'm sure they do.  I guess, I am unimportant in their lives.  I have learned to *Let it go*  As Adelle Dazeem sang *Let it go, Let it go - Can't hold it back anymore*  So I let it go, and I feel much much better.

This pain stemmed from being insulted for doing what I am doing.  I have said time and again, blogging is something I like to do.  I like to write and since I won't be able to publish a book - then online writing it is!  I write as I please.  I do accept some press releases only if I believe in the product or sincerely want to help out.  Blogging is my outlet, and when someone insults what I like to do - I take a step back and think, what gives you the authority to insult what I do?  Walang basagan ng trip is what I always say.  I have always been respectful of the what others like - even if I don't agree with it, I will respect it because you are my friend.  But then this person, who doesn't believe in what I do (in the first place) - suddenly (at the last minute) asks for my help - and when things don't pan out the way this person wanted it to, proceeds to insult me.  That's when I say enough.  I don't need this kind of negativity in my life.

A close friend K has told me, edit your friends.  It took me a long time to accept that I needed to edit out my friends.  The process was long and I was in pain.  But I had to let go.  It's true when they say you'll see who you're real friends are when you're in a bind.  And I saw it.  Now I know who they are.

I think I saw the distancing early on?  But I was in denial.  I don't claim to be perfect - I have made mistakes in my life, I have made compromises, I have done things I am not proud of - YET they have judged me for me.  And I accept that.  What saddens me is that, I've felt cut off.  Maybe I wasn't rich enough, or sosyal enough or influential enough.  So many thoughts ran through my head - but then I realized - *Let it go!  Things will eventually fall into place, let the universe do it's thing.  If it's meant to be - it will be*  So I let go.  I stopped.  And I am at peace.  I think letting go made me free myself from all the *what ifs*  As the very popular Pinoy saying *BAHALA NA SI BATMAN*

As for online friends, well - I've had my share of betrayals and backstabbing.  I've learned to move one.  I've learned to be strong.  I guess kulang ang blog traffic ko para sa kanila, hahaha!!  No, I'm not bitter - I've just accepted that fact that - there are people who use people.  That when your usefulness (parang sa accounting lang, useful life) has run out, you'll be sent off to a far far away land.  I personally believe in *utang na loob* in English - *debt of gratitude*.  I never forget where I came from and who helped me.  But some people are not like that - it's a steep climb for them and if they need to step on you to get to the top - they will do it.  I am not like that.  Until the day I die - I will have utang na loob to those who have helped me - online and offline.  I am that kind of a friend.

I know of some online personalities that rely on pretense to get ahead.  They project a certain lifestyle in order to get projects.  I have been observing this person for years - but hey, walang basagan ng trip right?  I guess that personality can live it it.  So I must live with it too!  Yes, the harsh reality of life. 

I yearn for meaningful and insighful conversations.  I ask too many questions my Panget says.  But I don't care.  I am like that - I am interested to know to learn (about the people I meet).  And I think there's nothing wrong with that.  I'm a very curious fellow - to a fault!  I would like to believe I am not tactless (or else people will be running away from me)  I don't think I'm ignorant too!  I can be persuasive if I want to be, I can be a pushover too.  But what I am not is - I don't go with the flow if I disagree on something.  I take a stand with what I believe in.  If you don't agree with me - I'm sorry, if you agree with me - thanks!  I'd rather sit it out and wait.  I'd rather move out the crowd and sit by my lonesome if I have to.  I am not insecure anymore of being *alone* - loner na kung loner.

I've realized that I am very diplomatic.  I tend to sacrifice the things I want for the good - to maintain the *peace*.  I can keep quiet on some issues, you know - just to let things be.  I don't insult people in public, I do them privately - in my head.  I was always told Less Talk, Less Mistake.  I learned the hard way when I was younger.  I guess age also changes you too.

I have this friend - she is an angel to me.  And she is going through some rough patches with certain *friendships*.  You know what my Angel - let them be.  Stay true to yourself and you'll be fine.  I know it's hard - believe me, I've been there - but it's not worth the tears, the hurt and the agony.  In the words of Paul Giamati in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding *This too shall pass*  I believe in you 100% and I will always always love you.  Maybe we all need to go through the hurt and the tears - but these experiences can only make us stronger!  Stronger!!

Technology has helped everyone maintain  and gain friendships.  I used to believe the more friends you have the luckier you are.  Now, it's more of - I'd like to have a small number of real friends rather than a huge number that will leave you when things get tough.

So to all of my friends - real, online and offline - THANK YOU for the gift of friendship.  I hope you don't tire of me and my being very talkative.  And to my readers - THANK YOU for believing in me.  This blog started out for me, my online journey.  So THANK YOU for all the traffic, thank you for still reading my entries all these years.  THANK YOU!  Thank you.

Yes, I have become choosy and anti-social and emotional.  Hahahahaha!!

Is it because I'm older?

(Sorry ang gulo gulo ng sulat ko ha... Pasensya na)