Nobody openly talks about it. But what I realized was, that it was quite common. It's just that - no one speaks of it. Taboo? More like it's something you don't want to share openly because..
It's scary and painful.
Reading news about Mark Zuckerberg's wife miscarrying, celebrities, actresses and friends of friends experiencing the same thing - well, it's not a sigh of relief exactly - but more of I know that I wasn't alone. It happens to many of us women, it's just that - we don't openly discuss it.
When I went through my miscarriage, I was miserable. So many thoughts were in my head, I had no one to talk to. My Panget couldn't seem to comfort me, my mom, my kids - I couldn't seem to find solace. I knew they were there for me, but I couldn't feel the right comfort? I had questions, I had doubts, I was sad. I wanted to cry out, but I couldn't bring myself to do so.
I also felt judged in a way. I couldn't explain it - but I felt it. Or maybe I was being paranoid?
One friend was with me the whole time. I found comfort in her because she was comforting another friend of hers who also suffered a miscarriage. I appreciated her even more to be honest. I knew what we have has gone beyond friendship. Thank you, Kath.
When I learned of celebrities, actresses and friends of friends who suffered a miscarriage/s, I empathized with them instantly. I knew what they went through because I experienced it too. I feel bad and insulted when people can't seem to sympathize with them even to the point of being tactless and insensitive. As I have said previously - I would never ever ever wish this upon anyone. I will still say that now.
Miscarrying is really sad.
Really really sad, it's heartbreaking - I can't explain the emotional turmoil one goes through - but I guess, this will all depend on the stability of your being. I claimed to be stable BUT when I miscarried, I was shattered. And I am sure they were too. My heart aches (seriously!) when I hear of women miscarrying.
So, what is life after a miscarriage?
1. You'll be very sensitive to words people say
It's that people can be an ASS and that there are so many INSENSITIVE & JUDGEMENTAL people in this world. Those who don't even have an ounce of apathy.
Well, I guess I was all new to this. I think I used to be one when I didn't understand the sadness of losing my baby. I thought and assumed that people were generally sympathetic? I was so wrong. So very wrong.
There are so many pretentious people in the world - but that's life I guess. These people are the many curveball life throws at you. And all we can do is - nothing. We live our lives normally hoping against hope that they realize what it is that they have done. But life has to go on right? The world doesn't stop for me, it never stops for anyone. We are just but pawns in the chessboard of life - we don't matter that much.
2. You'll make an extra effort to be OKAY
I was not my usual self for a while. I would daydream often. I was
I was telling a friend that I still haven't cried. I wondered if it was normal. Then a friend sent me a message through Kath, that I would soon be okay. She said *one day you just become okay*. I waited and waited. I thought, how long will I have to wait? I wanted to go back to normal. I'd like to be able to function normally again. It was tough for me. I was emotionally down. Then suddenly, I got tired of waiting. I stopped and just woke up everyday being thankful - and it hit me. I was already okay. I didn't realize it that time. But I was okay. Thank you Per, your words meant so much.
3. The world around you is practically the same, but you're not.
You somehow feel that you are now part of a statistic- the statistic of experiencing a miscarriage. And you now easily relate to people who have gone through the same thing.
I have to be honest - never in my wildest dreams did I expect to experience a miscarriage. Miscarriage was just a story that I hear from a friend or a relative. Now, I am a story too.
It's a very sensitive topic because I experienced it. I used to just take it lightly - it wasn't something that will cause me to be sympathetic. But now, I swear to you - it breaks my heart when I hear of stories. Maybe because the topic is close to my heart - I can't explain it really. But I have this sudden urge to hold their hands or hug them (even if they don't want to be hugged). My reaction may seem to be *exaggerated* but that's how I feel.
Life goes on. We go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I mean, yes - there was something that happened BUT it's only you and a few people who are privy to you that knows what happened. To the rest of the world - you are just another person living your own life and they living theirs. The sun still continues to rise each day, challenges at work and home are still there. Your life story is just the same as theirs, except you have a few extra pages of the miscarriage story.
4. You realize that conceiving is NOT that easy
Miscarriage made me realize that conceiving isn't an easy task. It involves so much more dynamics - one that I could not explain fully as I am not a medical professional. It entails a lot of *science* and a lot of hard work. My miscarriage made me appreciate my children more. It made me understand and realize that I am very lucky to have these two children.
My miscarriage made me value *life* now, more than ever. Now, I see babies in a whole new light I smile when I see babies - I have a new appreciation for babies. I look at them with love, hope and the thought that, that baby will make at least one person happy. When I see babies - it makes me happy. Babies are my new happy thoughts. Crazy ba? But they are really.
I used to think conceiving was easy. Well, for me it was. But I didn't really understand when people say they were having a hard time. I would always suggest - relax. But you know what - if you're trying to conceive - it's stressful pala and tiring. Truth be told - if you were to try and have sex every so often - it's not going to be fun anymore, right? But you *need* to do the deed to conceive. It's not as easy as we thought. Well, maybe because of age too? I used to think why there are so many teenage pregnancies - maybe because it was all about hormones and they weren't thinking yet of how to make money and other worries. Their bodies have not experienced STRESS yet.
That's why conceiving is hard - it takes a LOT from you. Then there's the waiting game. The disappointment that comes with having to see a negative result. That's added stress emotionally and physically. I tell you, it's NOT easy. It gets complicated - the science, the dynamics, the timing, the temperature, the frequency - it's quite difficult to understand. It's not 1-2-3, it's more of like a perfect combination of all of the above. Difficult right? So now when I have friends who tell me they're having a hard time conceiving - I don't know how to tell them to go on trying without sounding insensitive and apathetic. I would love for them to continue trying - but I would also like to tell them to relax and take their time. Time, that's another issue altogether!
5. You'll be HOPEFUL
That life will be better. I think this is the conscious effort by every woman who has gone through a miscarriage. The journey is not an easy one, but with the help of family and friends - well, things will get better. I know it. I am hopeful that one day I will be blessed again.
And, until that day comes, I thank the Lord everyday for blessing me with two beautiful children. As harsh as it sounds, for making me experience this pain - for now I have a greater respect for life.
P.S. Thank you L for helping me organize this post.