Things happen for a reason..

It's empty.

That's what the doctor said.

I didn't know what I was supposed to feel.

Image grabbed from this website

**Warning - EMO post ahead**

(I am thanking you in advance for reading!!)

When I missed my period a few months back, I felt a cold sweat - I wasn't prepared.  We didn't plan this.  So I took a pregnancy test.  The result was negative.  A week later - I still didn't have my period, so I took another test - we got a very faint line.  A week later, I took another test and it was - positive.  I saw two (2) defined pink lines.  I was thankful for the blessing and the same time, scared - but I decided to wait another 2 weeks before we go visit the doctor.  I didn't want to keep going back since I knew that it takes a minimum of 6 weeks for the heartbeat to be seen in an ultra sound. 

Then we went to my OB three weekends ago, we talked and did catch up.  She asked routine questions like if I missed any period or if I had it regular.  I was always regular - usually on the dot. She then did a TVS (Transvaginal Scan), I was nervous and saw was a sac - it was exactly like what I saw when I was pregnant with Kailee and Connor.  She looked at it closely and measured the sac - her diagnosis was that I ovulated, late.  She then told us to come back after a week - *there should be an embryo or even heartbeat next week*  I felt different, I had a strange feeling.  I knew my cycle - I was never late it was always on point.  And when she said that I ovulated late - I knew something was amiss but I dismissed it, I am not an expert.  So we waited for another week.

We went back.

Did the routine TVS - there was no growth.  The sac was of the same size.  Things looked bleak.  She held my hand and told me to give it another week to confirm her hunch.  But based on what she's seen - it's more likely (95% chance) that it won't progress.  But then again - there's still the 5% that it will.  And so we wait for another week.  She told me that I might experience cramping and spotting - and to text her if that happens.

Towards the end of the week, I experienced spotting (just a brown discharge).  I was patient enough not to conclude, prayed and asked for what is best and waited for the next check up.  We were the last ones in the clinic (well, since we live nearby - I always asked to be the last one to be seen).  The doctor asked for updates and said that by then - if the pregnancy has progresses that we might see a heartbeat.  We did the TVS and the sac was still of the same size, no growth at all.  Since I experienced a bit of spotting - she did an IE, but then told me that my cervix was still closed.

I had two options:  One is to wait for me to naturally miscarry and two is do have an D&C.  I honestly didn't want to go through a D&C because I knew that it was going to be a full procedure, kind of like giving birth via C-Section.  I wasn't up for that at all.  The doctor was giving me 48hours to let it pass, and if not - then we might need to go the other way.  She said that for the size of my sac - my body can still pass it.  We were both hoping for the first option.  She then told me to text her for updates and let me go.

We left the clinic in silence.  Well, honestly - I didn't know what I was supposed to feel.  Was I supposed to be sad?  I was emotionally confused really.  There wasn't a heartbeat but then I felt the symptoms of being newly pregnant, I was always sleepy, easily tired and my allergies were over the top.  I was an emotional wreck - just watching Master Chef eliminations made me cry!  Hahaha..  I dealt with some domestic issues and was so highly emotional.  I wasn't my usual self.  My Panget just held my hand and hugged me and said *It is what it is, we can still try next time*.  True.  I knew I wanted to cry, but couldn't bring myself to do so.  I knew I was sad, but I wanted my sadness to come with crying - you know, just to let it out.

That same night, I felt cramping.  It was after dinner to be exact - I felt cramping - and then suddenly, I felt a a gush.  We were in the middle of dinner and so I went to the bathroom, true enough - I was starting to bleed.  I went back to the dining room and waited till we went home before I told my Panget.  I was honestly afraid of the pain I would feel.  The doctor said that I would just feel heavy cramps and a bit more bleeding than a normal period.  A friend told me that I would be feeling labor pains without the anesthesia.  I was so scared - you know me and pain!  I was terrified.

The timing couldn't be more perfect - I was home when I started to feel the cramps.  Well to be more specific - it wasn't cramps - it was mild contractions.  And the mild contractions became stronger and stronger.  I asked the doctor if I could take pain medications - she said I could take analgesics as needed.  I forgot to get analgesics.  Damn.  And so I lay in bed with my Panget watching the first season of Master Chef.  I was honestly intimidated by Joe Bastianich - I mean he looked really mean during the first season!  Hahaha.. I saw Season 5 and he wasn't that scary!  Hahaha..  And whenever I would feel a strong contraction - I would squeeze my Panget's hand so very tight.  It was the only thing he can do.  This went on for hours.  If I can describe the pain I went through - it was like labour pains with contractions that resonates to the back.  I felt as if I was giving birth!  I think its the way the body is trying to expel the sac naturally.  I think I passed out in pain - I knew I closed my eyes, but I don't recall sleeping or trying to sleep.  I suddenly woke at passed 2 in the morning and I suddenly remembered that I needed to change - and so I did, and when I did - I felt a significant gush - like a plop.  I had a feeling that was it.  My Panget was still awake (he was still watching Master Chef) and I told him what happened.  He just looked at me and squeezed my hand.

I slept after a while.  When I woke up, there were no more cramps.  Thank goodness!  I was able to go on my normal Sunday routine without any major pain.

So, this is what it feels to miscarry.  I don't and will never wish it upon anyone - EVER.  It was physically painful and emotionally draining - it takes out a lot from you.  It's been just 2 days and I don't know how I will fare in the next couple of days and weeks.  I just have one favor - if you see me, please hug me or hold my hand.  I think I will need comforting more than ever.  Right now, I'm okay - but I have these emotional outbursts of sudden teary-eyedness but overall - I think I'm okay.  My kids have been perceptive in giving me hugs out of the blue - and I love them more for it.

Thank you to my three friends - K, M and L, who have been very nice and comforting.  My SIL Sasa for being there for me and encouraging me along the way.  My mom and my yayas who have held my hand through this process.  And my Panget - for just being there.  He said - it wasn't my fault.  And I know it.  I just hope that people would think the same way - it's no one's fault really.  I don't need a lecture about being not careful enough or whatever it is that people say.  I don't need judgements and tactless side comments.  At this point, just support or shut up.

I have honestly wanted to write about it for a while now.  But then I didn't want to pre-empt anything.  Timing they say is everything.  And I know and believe that too.  And I felt that this was the right time.

Thank you for taking the time out to read.  I truly appreciate it, very much.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you..

Right now, I'm okay.  I am.  It's just that there are moments when I think about it and just sigh.  But I believe that things happen for a reason.  I may not know the reason now, but I'm sure eventually - I will be enlightened.  I can't help but think that I am part of a statistic now.  I know this is a sensitive topic - and that is why I broke the post and had a warning.  I wanted to tell my story, but I don't think I can just blurt it out of the blue to friends - I feel it's inappropriate.  Timing - as I said.  And since this is my space, and I have shared so many stories in a span of almost a decade - I've become comfortable in using this platform to share.  So I hope you don't mind reading about this.  Thank you again - for reading and for leaving well wishes.  I truly appreciate them.  Thank you for the support and the love.  Thank you.